I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
