If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sext me about skeletons
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
