I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
