She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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