guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
