you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize