Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize