i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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