I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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