I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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