My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
