The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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