What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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