oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
