I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
