flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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