Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
