please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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