the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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