y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I could make wine with my vomit
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
