I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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