don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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