First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Enjoy the penises
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
