and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
