Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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