I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
