im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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