Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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