So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
