so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
