I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize