when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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