I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
