i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
