hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
