there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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