I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
