Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
