I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
