I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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