Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
