I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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