So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I won the penis lottery.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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