Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
50% drunk capacity currently
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
