i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
