I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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