I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
