Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
