So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
