This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize