You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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