my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
