So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
