Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You should frame my arrest warrant.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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