When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
