roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize