We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
