Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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