I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
