my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
